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[ricochetlove]

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[ricochetlove]

[If coffee and a pastry are the nicest thing that anyone's done for him, than Gepard maybe needs to get better friends?]

[But, well, Sampo can't exactly complain when he's got a handsome man smiling at him, coming out of his bedroom sleep-rumpled and soft. He looks better in the morning light than he did last night, though that could also be from the restorative effects of getting more than four hours of sleep in a night. Maybe if he keeps it up, he'll be able to get rid of those bags under his eyes for good! That would do wonders for Gepard's good looks.]

[Sampo pushes the pastry and coffee over towards Gepard; he keeps one of the coffees for himself, a gamble that he's going to take this morning. For a minute or two, he's just going to warm his hands on the paper cup, letting the heat sink into his fingers.]

Aw, Captain, are you worried about me? [He smiles over the rim of the coffee cup, coyly.] Maybe I would have slept better with company.

[And there would have only been one source of company available! Whatever charm his reply might have is probably ruined when he takes a sip, though, and wrinkles his nose a little at how it hits his palate. Nothing tastes like it used to, but some days he tolerates the changes better than others. Some days, a hot liquid will settle well enough in his stomach, even if it isn't blood-- he's not sure if today's one of those days yet.]

[snowshield]

[There's a split-second of surprise. There's a moment of comprehension dawning, that Figaro (he really, definitely needs to know this man's real name, he has to be called something better than Figaro) actually was continuing with the flirting that he had done the night before...?

Gepard's surprised. He's...very flustered. He hides it by taking a bite of the pastry, which doesn't help as it's tasty, nice, nicer than what he usually eats in the morning, it's actually more substantial than toast and coffee. He has no idea what to say to that. What should he say to that?

Help comes from the most unexpected place: Figaro himself, as he wrinkles his nose. It would be charming if it wasn't concerning. But, it gives him something easy to latch onto as he chews and swallows.]

Of course I'm concerned. [He wrinkles his nose right back at Figaro, taking a sip of the coffee. (Which is quite good! But maybe his standards aren't exactly high.) What now, asshole?] When's the soonest you need to feed? And what would I need to do to get ready for it...assuming you can stomach me.

[No, Gepard will never live down tasting like shit. But he can bluster through it, a captain and also someone thinking with his dick, and also someone generally concerned as for all his...dietary requirements, Figaro's not the worst company (not in that way) and he's got nice eyes.]

[ricochetlove]

[The coffee is good-- it's just Sampo's taste buds that are ruined, attuned now to having an all-blood diet. But he's stomaching it all right this morning, able to take a few sips of it so long as he's careful and slow, and the smell of it and the familiar routine is something like a comfort. One tiny, little normal thing that he can still do, have coffee with someone in the morning.]

[When Gepard asks the question about his feeding schedule, well... it's a pertinent question. A smart thing for him to ask, really. It's just an uncomfortable one, too.]

Ah, well. Sooner rather than later, probably! [He has the decency to at least look a little apologetic about that.] I was kind of already pushing it. I don't have to eat as often as people do, but I have to eventually.

[Or else he'd die, presumably. He hasn't really tested it that far, because he likes not being dead, but one has to assume. Anything that needs to eat can starve, if given enough time.]

No pressure! I'll figure something out, if I need to. It's not like you're going to taste better immediately anyway, it'll probably take a little while. [Better health doesn't happen overnight, after all. It's the result of consistency, of a commitment to changed behavior. One day of eating well and getting a good night's sleep won't cut it.]

Getting you to a doctor is the first thing. They'll probably tell you the same things that I have, but maybe they can give you something that'll help?

[A course of vitamins, maybe, or something to help him sleep if he has a hard time keeping a consistent schedule.]

[snowshield]

[He stares at Figaro. He takes a slow sip of his coffee. Siiiiip. Gepard swallows it. He savors the taste. He considers the taste, because the taste of coffee is a better thing to consider than the situation. Despite the taste, it might look like Gepard had just swallowed something sour (a difficult truth) and is having trouble digesting it, because it's a fucking difficult truth he's being forced to consider.]

If it's easier. [He says this at last.] I could see about trading pints of my blood for pints from strangers. It would be... [What's a good word for it?] Difficult to explain, but I'm sure I can come up with an excuse - Fragmentum monsters, a new strategy. That way, you might have something...tolerable, to eat.

[Opposed to him, who's disgusting, terrible, horrible, better to starve than to eat him why does this bother him so much.]

[ricochetlove]

[Gepard is really fixated on this whole tastiness thing. Which, sure, it's probably a bit of an insult to be told that you taste bad, but it's not as though he just inherently tastes bad. He smells like he should taste great, it's just that he's been taking such poor care of himself that it's physically detectable. It's not personal!]

[Gepard's suggestion is certainly an interesting one-- a blood donation with a lot of extra steps. And ones that could get a lot of questions.]

Mm, that doesn't sound like it's much easier for you at all.

[He goes back to just warming his hands on the coffee, rather than using it for its true intended purpose. Once it cools, he won't be able to drink it at all, but it's not like it does much for him even if he does drink.]

You know this isn't just about how you taste, right? I don't just want to wait because of that. You really aren't okay, Captain, and you have to go out and fight Fragmentum monsters. If you have to do that while you're like this and missing a few pints of blood... well, that's a bad spot for you to be in, isn't it?

[What would happen if Gepard got injured or, Aeons forbid, killed because Sampo needed blood? That would certainly ruin all of their plans, and Sampo really doesn't want a Gepard-sized weight on his conscience.]

I'd have to swoop in to save you, and all your guardsmen will have so many questions about why such a handsome guy like me is showing up to save the day!

[snowshield]

[He's got a few rebuttals to all of this. It's doesn't matter if it's easier for him, what's important is making sure Figaro's satiated. He's been in worse situations and dealt with far worse; physically, mentally, spiritually, even if the entire tastes disgusting thing is kind of a kick to the balls. A pretty solid kick to the balls, really.

...anyway, that he's been in worse situations and dealt with far worse, and, in the worst case, is prepared to sacrifice for the good of Belobog because that's what being a Landau means. And if sacrificing means his health, then, well...

As long as it's for Belobog. And Gepard's all prepared to say as much - say something empowering and determined. Stubborn. And then fucking Figaro says that he'll swoop in to save him and Gepard chokes on his coffee.]

What? [He breathes it out, trying (and failing) to will away the embarrassment. He can feel his cheeks start to burn up. There's only so much drinking coffee can cover up. He still takes a vigorous bite of pastry, in the hopes of having to bite, chew, and swallow a pastry would keep him from having to respond.

...it only lasts so long. The pastry is swallowed.]

Don't you dare. For Qlipoth's sake- don't even joke about that! Do you have any idea of the problems that sort of thing would cause?

[ricochetlove]

[What a pretty shade of pink Gepard turns when he's upset! That and his adorable response, like shoving more pastry into his face is going to stop him from having to talk, or will stop him from blushing like a schoolgirl. It really is a bit of a shock that no one has snatched up such a good-looking and amusing man, that he isn't wrapped around the finger of some pretty thing who likes to tease him.]

[He's imagining some lady, of course, because Gepard only seems to respond to his flirting with bewildered offense. And while that's not a surefire test as to whether a man is interested in other men or not, it's a data point to the contrary.]

If it would cause so many problems, I guess you'll just have to make sure that you won't ever need my help, right?

[He places a hand dramatically over his heart.] Otherwise, I'll have to start following you into the Fragmentum to keep an eye on you. But don't worry, you won't even know that I'm there! Not until I have to do the whole saving the day thing, at least.

[He could do it. He's an Emanator, there isn't much in the Fragmentum that would really give him pause. He could handle a few monsters, especially if they try to make mincemeat out of his handsome meal ticket.]

[snowshield]

[...okay, now he knows Figaro's just...joking around, not serious about any of this, and he feels...stupid, for having gotten worked up over a joke. Getting worked up over something that won't happen, letting himself imagine, for a moment, being carried to safety in the warm arms of a mysterious rogue.]

Very funny.

[Because what kind of person could talk about crawling inside of the Fragmentum with the same ease someone else would talk about pissing in a public toilet? What sort of person could hide undetected up until the point that he was needed to save the day? No one, that's who.

...it's fine. A joke for a joke.]

If you do end up saving me I'll be sure to show my appreciation. I have enough sway - I'll convince the Supreme Guardian to throw a parade in your honor. [Belobog's appreciation more than his appreciation, but same difference.]

[ricochetlove]

[No one but Sampo Koski, that is. But Gepard is lacking that key piece of information, that bit about being an Emanator, because Sampo's on such a backwater planet that they don't know about how the whole blood-drinking thing is connected to Aeons yet. They apparently haven't gotten the news that being an Emanator also involves drinking people juice. But that's fine, it works in Sampo's favor most of the time.]

[Let Gepard think that it's a joke, up until the very moment that he thinks his ticket is punched and there's a handsome rogue there at the very last second. Perfect timing, right on script.]

Oh, no, nothing like that, that's not my style. [He waves a hand dismissively.] All that vanity! It's kind of gauche, isn't it? I'd prefer cold, hard cash. I'm sure you could convince your Supreme Guardian to give me a nice reward for saving her favorite captain!

[For him to have that much sway with her, that he'd joke about how she'd do as he asks... maybe he's aiming high with his affections, and that's why no one else has snapped him up. Well, good for him for being ambitious. From what little he's seen of her, Miss Bronya would be a nice catch for anybody, especially a well-born captain.]

[snowshield]

[...there's something- it's what he should have expected. He shouldn't feel...upset, it's what makes sense. It makes sense. He should have expected it. He should've expected that a criminal (as someone who was so free with assault) would be interested in profit. He probably had, just had been distracted by the coffee and the pastry and the flirting.

So, Gepard settles back into...well, being himself. Captain Gepard Landau. He knows how to be himself. So, really, this is just business as usual, which is what he should've done instead of-

Anyway. Anyway, Gepard takes another drink of the coffee, slow and measured, and reminds himself that he's sitting across from a criminal - one who deserves to not starve, one who deserves to not be hungry, one who's- anyway. Anyway.]

There's easier ways to make money than to stalk me everywhere I go in the hopes I get into an accident, Figaro.

[And what he should do: finish breakfast, change back into his clothes, report, see a doctor, and go about his day. He'll have to figure out a way to feed Figaro, but that can wait until later, at leisure. And that's not even getting into the mounds of paperwork waiting for him, or the fact he simply can't announce, "The criminal has been caught no more people will be attacked!" He'll still have to do patrols, and-

Gepard bites back a curse, more of an inhaled breath than it is a noise, and gets to stuffing the pastry in his mouth.]

We should work out plans before I go. I'll inevitably have to do patrols to catch you - that might be the best opportunity for us to meet up in the future for your feeding.

[You know, something relatively impersonal - business, not pleasure.]

[ricochetlove]

It's not in hopes, Captain.

[He'd really rather that his meal ticket didn't lose any blood. That's literally taking food out of his mouth, after all, and the Captain is a kind of charming man. He'd hate to see that pretty face get marked up by some nasty beastie.]

[But if he did have to step in, and they're talking about rewards from grateful Supreme Guardians, well... he might as well get paid.]

Give me your phone, I'll put my number in. [Aren't you lucky, Gepard? You get to have his number. You can text him whenever you want.] We can coordinate whenever you're on patrol.

[Have a lively little chase, get Gepard away from the rest of his men, and Sampo can nip in for his meal. It's like having a lunch date, except that if anyone found out about it, there would be a lot of very difficult questions.]

Ah, if you're going to chase after me, I'll have to be in disguise when I bring your meals. Otherwise, if one of your guardsmen sees me while on patrol with you, I'll never be allowed near you again. They'll just try to arrest me on sight!

[snowshield]

[He doesn't respond at first, at least not with words. What Gepard does do is stare at Figaro, give him the once-over, just up and down him. He then reaches for his pocket, where his phone is, with all the calm composure of a Silvermane Captain deciding to work with an informant, which is how he's going to treat this.

Gepard then pats his pocket. He then glances down with alarm, because where the hell is his phone, and then he remembers the events of the last 24 hours. The restful sleep in the terrible bed. The fact he's wearing a strange man's clothes. Gepard touches his neck, he remembers the biting thing. He looks at Figaro again.]

...I don't have my phone with me. [It's really hard to act like a Silvermane Captain when he fails basic things like that.] In fact, I'm pretty sure...hold on.

[He gets up from the table-] Wait right here. [-retreats back to the bedroom, finds his stuff, fishes his wallet out from his normal clothes, and flips through it as he walks back in and settles back in his seat like they're friends and Figaro's not just in it for the benefits.]

Ah. [Ah. That gets slid across the table to Figaro.] I even was issued a fake ID...in case something like last night happened, but I didn't feel like cooperating with the suspect. See? [The identification proclaims that the owner is one Johan Smith. No picture, and he's two inches shorter than the information on the card, and the information implies that he's five years older than he actually is, but it's functional enough and reusable.] But I can write down my number for you?

[ricochetlove]

[It doesn’t seem like an entirely good idea for Gepard to have gone out on a honeypot mission without any method of getting into contact with his backup, but hey, what does Sampo know about these kinds of things? It would’ve probably spared his sisters some worry, though.]

[Gepard returns with no phone but with a fake ID, and Sampo takes a look at it for a moment. It’s a convincing fake, of course, because it’s not really a forgery— has all the watermarks and security features of a real government-issued identification card. It’s just falso info, a man who doesn’t really exist.]

Well, I guess it wouldn’t make sense for you to be walking around with your badge in your pocket.

[Sampo takes out his own phone and opens up a new contact prompt, entering the name in as New Snack. Maybe one day he’ll get upgraded to Tasty New Snack.]

Just tell me your number and I’ll add you in.

[Sorry, Captain, he doesn’t trust you enough to hand his phone over to you.]

[snowshield]

[Even if he had it would've been a burner phone and the last thing he needs would be to have to explain who this Figaro guy is to Pela or anyone else. No. It's fine if he takes one for the team, they could learn from his mistakes, do a better job at patrols, he signed up for it knowing it's dangerous, and so forth and so on.

But that's besides the point. The point is that he had expected something like writing down his number on a piece of paper and Figaro later, at leisure, putting into his phone. He hadn't expected being immediately added to his contacts. More importantly, though, Gepard peers...

...at the phone case. (Look.)]

Is that you on it?

[That sure looks like a cartoon Figaro on a bike with a bomb on his head! This is besides the point, but when the hot dude with unique dietary restrictions does something like that, it gets your attention, okay?]

Is that a bomb? [He gestures for Figaro to tilt it up so he can get a better look at it because somehow, he hadn't expected this? He wasn't sure what he had expected, perhaps something more barren and inhospitable like the hideaway they were in, not something...charming.]

[ricochetlove]

[Really, Gepard's scrutinizing his phone case now? That's the important thing that he's focusing on, not giving his contact information to his new partner-in-crime or worrying about what he's going to tell his guardsmen and his sisters about where he's been all night?]

What, can't a guy have a cute thing? A lot of people have personalized phone cases.

[His does happen to have a little cartoon picture of himself on a scooter with a bomb, but he's allowed to have whatever he wants on his phone case. It's a free city-state or whatever the hell Belobog counts as.]

Aren't you supposed to be giving me your number now?

[Focus, Gepard. Give the attractive vampire man your phone number so that he can send you text messages and call you for totally platonic and food-related reasons.]

[snowshield]

[In his defense, it's a rather charming and surprisingly personal phone case for a guy with a dietary problem and a background full of mysteries. It makes him want to ask questions? Like why a scooter. Why a bomb. Or tell Figaro about how his last phone case got crushed, and the phone with it, so Gepard replaced it with a case that resembled armor. Officially, he said it was because he liked the design, and...well, he did. But unofficially, he also wanted to get a case that would be good luck and hopefully ward off any other...

...accidents.

But then Figaro says that and he glances at him, and Gepard blushes, blinking like he's a child who was caught with his hand in a cookie jar. Give phone number to marginally acceptable vampire man, get out, reestablish boundaries, keep calls and texts to strictly business and impersonal reasons, yes, he remembers.]

Oh. Right.

[He wants to say, "My sister Lynx has a phone case that has the three of us - I've got two sisters- the three of us as cats. She looked up what a Gepard was and it's apparently some kind of quick giant cat that went extinct when the Eternal Freeze happened?" Or something like that. But no, he has to focus. Now is not the time to share personal anecdotes.]

Sorry. My number is [insert number here. And then he hesitates, before glancing towards the outdoors. Because it's late. He slept past his normal morning hour.] I should leave...if I stay too much later it'll cause even more problems for you, and you've already got more than enough as is without me adding to them.

[ricochetlove]

[If Gepard did tell him that-- about his little sister's adorable phone case-- he would find it charming, probably. Very cute that his little sister thinks of him so fondly, a soft spot in the armor of the illustrious guard captain. And useful information, because the good Captain might be a tentative ally to him now, but that doesn't mean that he always will be, and information is a vital resource. Who knows when a little familial knowledge about Gepard would come in handy? Maybe it never would, but it's better to have.]

[And maybe Gepard's better off not telling him too much just yet. Maybe it would be wiser for him not to immediately trust the blood-sucking parasite that he's decided to aid.]

Got it! I'll send you a text. [He shoots one off, just a simple Hi ;) so that Gepard will have his number when he retrieves his phone again.]

Aha, don't I know it. [Problems galore, Captain, you don't know the half of it. But that's for Sampo to know and Gepard to... probably never find out, if he can help it. The good Captain doesn't need to know about all the weirdness that happens to Figaro.] We can talk later about our game plan, right? Ol' Figaro is just a phone call away. You shouldn't keep your men waiting, though, otherwise they'll have a lot of questions for you!

[snowshield]

[And so, Gepard goes, absolutely 100% not at all disappointed that Figaro didn't want him to stay longer (it's practical if he leaves sooner rather than later, the fact he slept over was irresponsible in the first place, this is why a man should never think with his dick) and bowing to inevitibility. He does look behind, and he does give Figaro a completely and totally normal small wave if Figaro's looking, just friendly, like they always do this all the time.

He arrives back at Qlipoth Fort to discover a whole lot of worried people.

They're not just worried about him, they're worried about the fact that the weird person who's been attacking people can apparently overpower a Silvermane Captain. He makes his reports. Gepard frets that Pela or Lady Bronya might have seen through him - he doesn't know if they'll make connection that the guy who tried to crack open a cold one (him having been cold at the time) and the guy who helped him afterwards was the same person...? It's unlikely because it makes no logic or sense, but it's still possible...

Well.

He gets told to see a doctor. He says he will, eventually. First things first; change, reassure people that he's not dead, and then check his paperwork to make sure there's no surprises, and then maybe put off lunch to go reassure people some more, and then he can eat. And then doctor after that.

In the pocket of his coat is his phone. And there's a simple message on his phone. A simple Hi. And a winky smiley face. Gepard stares at it for a moment.]

Hello.

[...]

:)

[...okay, so maybe he can reshuffle his priorities a little...doctor in the afternoon, but earlier in the afternoon, and maybe he can eat lunch while dealing with paperwork...]

[ricochetlove]

[While Gepard was busy putting out various metaphorical fires and reassuring everyone who knows him that he did not, in fact, perish on the cold streets of Belobog last night, Sampo has had to do something that he hadn't done in quite some time-- get groceries. Because apparently he's made a deal with a guard captain to provide meals, and that means that he'll actually have to have real people food to work with to make that happen.]

[He's in the middle of finishing up something for lunch when he gets the texts from Gepard-- a simple little hello and a cute smiley face. He's surprised that Gepard knows how to use emojis! They're on such a backwater planet that they only recently even started using smartphones at all, and here the good Captain is, embracing texting lingo. Sampo should be proud.]

If it isn't my favorite Captain! Sounds like you survived being interrogated by all of your colleagues. I hope they didn't give you too hard of a time.

[He can imagine that it was probably a pretty big deal. If your Captain disappears overnight when you send him on a mission to catch a criminal, it's kind of a problem!]

Did you get anything for lunch yet?

[snowshield]

[Now, he hadn't expected to get a response so soon. (So soon being defined as any time in the next few hours.) Gepard smiles at his phone, and then catches himself smiling at his phone like an idiot, and then he scowls at his phone - not because he doesn't like Figaro (he does) or because he likes the message (he does), so much as to remind himself that one of the points of leaving was to reestablish appropriate boundaries and to stop thinking with his dick.]

No, not yet.

[He's a favorite...shouldn't take it to heart, but, he will because he has no choice.]

I had a great deal to catch up on so I haven't had the time yet. This is normal for me.

[ricochetlove]

Well, aren't you a lucky boy, then? I'll bring lunch to you. I could bring it through the front door, but you'd have to let your men know to let me through. Or I can take a different route, but you'll have to unlock your office window.

[So he can either do things the nice and proper way, or do things the sneaky criminal way! Your choice, Gepard, how do you want your food delivered?]

[He's already in the process of getting it all packed up while he waits for the reply, tucking it into a thermal lunchbox so that it won't go cold in the freezing Belobog weather. One thing he has to give these Belobogians credit for-- they really figured out how to insulate things really well. It takes a pretty impressive feat of engineering to make a thermos that keeps your coffee hot for ten hours straight even when you're in sub-zero temperatures.]

Don't make me wait too long for an answer, or I'll have to start making assumptions. :)

[snowshield]

[Now, he doesn't intend on making Figaro wait. It's just...

Someone calls out to him. Captain Landau! And he ends up in a brief meeting (a very casual thing, not an official thing) in which he has to discuss tentative further plans for dealing with The Really Weird Thief. Just a quick touching base to make sure that the Silvermane Guard is properly mobilized for tonight and that they won't need him there, and he...

...agrees, he should rest, which makes everyone worried, and the meeting is just a bit longer.

Which leads to him trudging back to his office, which leads to Gepard contemplating if he should go see the doctor because something's clearly wrong with him if he's accepted taking hte night off, which leads to him thumping in his chair, which leads to him checking his phone...]

I'm sorry for taking so long. I'll inform the men and tell them to let you through. I hope this isn't too late?

[ricochetlove]

Oh, don't worry about it, I worked it all out already! Just come up to your office, don't say anything to your men.

[He'd had to work it out quite quickly, too, because a certain someone kept him waiting. He would've liked a little more notice if he'd had to make a daring window entrance, because it was really a little bit precarious to have to jimmy the lock and hold all of the food at the same time, but he managed. He's a very talented man, he wouldn't let a little thing like gravity slow him down!]

[So he's waiting in Gepard's office, the main door still locked, with the good Captain's lunch all plated out for him. He's not entirely sure about Gepard's lunch preferences just yet, since he wasn't given much to go on, but he's gone for an old reliable-- a fried olm sandwich with pickles and slaw on a buttery brioche bun, fried potato wedges and a buttermilk biscuit as sides. A bottle of that horrific rye soda that everyone loves around here to drink. If there's one small mercy that Sampo has for being on a blood-only diet, it's that he has an excuse to never have to drink that.]

[Instead, it's hot water from a thermos for him today. Something to put in his stomach so that the cravings aren't quite so bad. He's thinking of going to the butcher's later today, to see if he can get fresh pig's blood and say that it's for a blood pudding or something. It still doesn't quite do it for him, but it's the closest to human that he can get without actually tapping a neck.]

Hello, honey. [He says it when the door closes behind Gepard, for the sake of the good Captain's sensibilities.] Lunch is ready!

[snowshield]

[It took a lot to keep from running to his office. Gepard manages a walk. A good, solid walk, one that has enough purpose to keep people from pulling him aside, not so much that people wondered what was going on. A determined walk.

He enters his office slowly and freezes at the sight of...

Not Figaro, not exactly. (He really needs to find out the guy's name. He can't keep on thinking of him forever.) But rather, at the food. His gaze immediately drops to the sandwich, slides to the potato wedgies, is that a biscuit? That appears to be a biscuit. And a soda? Not...coffee so old that it threatens to crawl up his stomach, not because it tastes bad so much as that it's gained sentience, but a crisp rye soda. Then back to the sandwich.

Gepard's stomach gurgles quietly. He doesn't notice. He just walks to the food, transfixed. Figaro could lunge at him and rip open his throat and he'd thank him, probably.

But no, no, Gepard glances up at him and he should be pointing out that breaking into his office is a very bad idea.]

I could marry you. [The captain breathes that out instead. His stomach gurgles, slightly louder, and Gepard reaches for one of the potato wedges, hesitates, grabs it, looks at Figaro again as if asking for permission (he is) and then he takes a bite. And.

Hold on.

It's delicious, standards are low but it's amazing, give him a moment.

...okay.]

Also, don't call me that.

[ricochetlove]

[All of the food is even still warm, because Figaro is just that good. And the potato wedges even have a side of that horrible mayonnaise-based dressing that everyone around here likes, because nothing in Belobog can't be dairy-based, apparently. Gepard should be proposing marriage to him, he's brought him a handmade lunch with little notice and even went through his damned window to do it because he got stuck in a meeting. Sampo would be an incredible fake husband.]

[Gepard takes one bite of the potato wedges-- they're crispy on the outside and soft on the inside, as a good fried potato should be-- and looks like the hand of Qlipoth themself came down to bless him. It's flattering, really. And grateful is a good look on such a handsome face.]

So you could marry me but I can't call you honey? That feels unfair. I could call you dear instead. Baby? Darling? Sweetheart?

[He's got a million pet names in that awful little brain of his, Gepard. These are the mild ones, he could keep going and get to the really terrible, stupid ones. Sugarbear. Honeybun. Sugartits. The moon of his delight. Don't make him get creative.]

I don't really know what you like, so I had to make some guesses. Feel free to give me some direction. I could try to gather some intel about you, but that usually weirds people out a little bit.

[Because that's called stalking, Sampo, and it's illegal in most places. Not that that ever stops him, but Gepard might object to him stalking both himself and his family to get information about what kind of dinners he likes best, even if his intentions are benign.]